I was interviewed by a parenting
website some time ago. I cannot recall if they eventually published my
interview, but I just wanted to reproduce it here.
1. How many kids do you have and how old are they? Introduce them by name
and briefly what they are doing right now, say schooling, NS, etc if
possible.
I have two children. My
daughter Jewel is 18 and is in her first year of university. My son
Jeremy is 16 and goes to a private school and will be graduating with an
American High School Diploma in about 2 years.
2. Having gone through both
phases, which do you think is harder - parenting a toddler or parenting a
teenager?
I think both phases were equally
challenging. Challenging because I had to learn, unlearn and re-learn how
to engage them meaningfully as a parent, as they grew into these different
phases. When my children were younger, I was more of a father, a teacher
and less a 'friend'. Now, I am more a friend, a mentor, and less of a
'father'. So being a father (at least for me) has always been evolving, and I am
sure that as my children become adults - and I become older and more frail,
this relationship will be further redefined.
3. What's your secret in
maintaining a close relationship with your kids?
Openness - I talk about
everything to them. Even about sex. I remember when I spoke to my
daughter about sex when she turned 12 and she was like 'Ew! Daddy why are you
talking about this to me?' But, I'd rather they hear it from me, then from their
friends as I would be able to give them the right information, which their
friends may not be able to. Our relationship is so open that my son will come
home and ask me the meanings of some of the vulgar language his friends would
use. If I know the meaning, I will tell it to him and we both will have a good
laugh, while my daughter thinks that both father and son are totally gross.
But, this has kept my son from speaking only good language to his friends.
His friends have often wondered why he does not use vulgarities when he
speaks (as I suspect a lot of youngsters do), and he often tells them that he
sees no need to use them when there are better words to express himself.
I tell speak with them about the
difficulties I had faced (and still do face) in raising them. Not in a way to
glorify myself - but in a very 'matter of fact' way and in total honesty - so
that they know that raising them was not as easy it may seem. I am proud that
my children still think of me as their 'hero'.
We also do a lot of things
together as a family. We have dinner together almost every evening. We go
bowling, to the movies, nature trekking, almost everything as a family. I think
all these has kept my children close with my wife (Catherine) and I.
4. Also, what's your secret in
getting them to do stuff they don't want to do, like cleaning up and
keeping to curfews.
Cleaning up is always a
challenge, because it is the mother's 'department'. They often challenge her
till they know they cannot challenge her anymore, before they would clean up.
'Curfew' is my department and so it is relatively easier. My children
know that if they don't keep their curfew times, they'd be grounded. But of
course, I am also a little flexible in that if they'd call me and say that they
are held up because the bus was late or something, I will give them a little
bit of grace.
5. Any legendary meltdown moments
the kids had?
My children are generally quite
'balanced' so they hardly experience meltdown moments. But I think coming
back to Singapore after being in the USA for a few years, was quite frustrating
for my son, as he had to leave his friends, familiarity and comfort-zone
behind. He and his sister (to a certain extent) were apprehensive about
fitting into the public schools here. To ease their fears, we
home-schooled them for about a year.
6. As the chief editor of
the Online Citizen, you're someone who is in the public domain and even
more so, in the potentially explosive socia media space. Do you have
concerns pertaining to privacy for your family and how do you manage that?
I have taught my children to say
only that which they mean to say when communicating, whether offline or online.
So, we are very conscious in that sense. Whether it be photos, or videos
or articles, we put out only that which we want to put out.
People often think that they 'know me' after reading my posts
and/or comments, but they really don't. They may know a part of me - a
part that I want to reveal, but they will never (or should never) know the real
me. The real me is only reserved for my family and close friends.
It's not the others see a fake me, but they only see facets of the real
me. I have often emphasised this to my children.
7. Could you share with us three
parenting tips that you've learnt in your almost 20 years as a parent?
Well, 18 years actually.
1. Learn, Unlearn and Re-lean, as
you grow as a parent with your children.
2. Never judge or compare your
children - I talk to them about their weaknesses and shortcomings. I
facilitate them in finding their own solutions to their shortcomings and
weaknesses. I challenge them to rise above what they can already do. But
at the end of the day, it has to be their choice. If they choose not to, I will
never judge them or belittle them. I will allow them to explore other
things that they are keen in. I think everyone has got at least a talent,
and as parents we can help them unlock these talents if we are patient and
don't impose our own frustrations on them.
3. Total honesty - your children
see who you are. So, you cannot put on a mask for the outside world and be
someone totally different when relating to them. And sometimes when you think
you've not been entirely honest, to have the courage to say sorry to your
children. I too have had to apologise to my children, for my failings.
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